My heart is broken. "Love hurts" has always been something people have just said, but I feel it now and I've never felt anything like it. I've never hurt this much or cried this much and it's exhausting. Nothing makes it better. The only thing that makes me feel like myself again is talking to the same person who made me like this. That's not fair. I'm trying, but I'm not strong enough to be brave right now; not when something I believed in so wholeheartedly has just been taken away without warning. Love has the power to make you happier than you've ever been, but it can break you like you couldn't imagine. I'm in love, and I've never felt so horrible in my life. So yes, love hurts.

God exists

Nobody can force you to believe, but I don't hesitate in saying God is real. I'm realising it more and more as time rolls on

Manchester Orchestra

We layed in ruins trying to quote your phrase, we're yelling "someone's got the answers but I'd rather think there's nothing to be found"

I'll tell you what's scary; it's scary having feelings for someone. It's like, you're standing on the edge of a cliff with the wind in your face and you're feeling so free. It's like, you're willing to take the risk of leaning over the edge as far as you can just because it feels right and you can't even help it. It's like, you know there's the chance of you plummeting to your death but who really gives a fuck when standing there makes everything feel perfect? Exactly!

Fixed happiness

If I jinx myself on this I am actually gonna go ape shit, but really there is no such thing as luck or curses and I honestly think it's my time to be happy. I've spent a long time trying to figure what I was doing wrong - why the people around me were living in ways I wasn't. But I am so proud to say that life is is looking pretty fantastic right now. I can't believe how much life has changed in these past few months, it's incredible how that works. I've left behind what was making me unhappy, I've received news that lets me know the future is bright, and I've fallen for someone totally amazing. If that's not a miracle when a miracle was needed then I don't know what is.

Feeling lyrical

If you had a choice, then what would you choose to do? I could live without money, I could live without the fame and if everyday was sunny, I could live without the rain. And if I ever went up to Heaven, I would fall right back down.. that life wouldn't be living because you're the one I couldn't live without.


My family, I love you.

Sick

I feel gross. All I've eaten in the past 24 hours is a few bites of muffin, a bite of a banana, a bite of an orange, and a mandarin. I just have no appetite. Plus, last night my whole body was aching like you wouldn't believe, it hurt so much. Once the nurofen kicked in I could tolerate it but uggggh this morning I still feel weak and quite horrible. So I've been watching movie trailers and listening to "With You In My Head" by UNKLE ft. The Black Angels.

The Truman Show (1998)

Truman: Was nothing real?
Christof: You were real. That's what made you so good to watch. There is no more truth out there than there is in the world I created for you. The same lies, the same deceit. But in my world, you have nothing to fear

Happy Update

It's 11:27pm right now on Monday the 12th of July 2010 and I'm feeling alright. Not my best but I know everything will be okay and that's enough right now. So last week my sister Clare (my absolute best friend in the whole world who kinda makes me feel happier than anyone else ever) came over with her husband and my amazing amazing amazing 6 month old nephew. They left yesterday which hurt me as much as it always does and saying goodbye to them has become the thing I dread most in my life. But! I'm not going to get too depressing on you because 1) the 12 days they spent here were absolutely fantastic and I was the happiest I've been in a long while and 2) THEY'RE COMING HOME FOR GOOD! As in MOVING HERE! Now, chances are that you don't really know me too well so you can't particularly grasp just how huge this is for me. This news literally changes my whole life and my whole outlook on life and has immediately given me a reason to disregard all the shit and focus on what's amazing! I've said to myself so many times that if I was granted one wish it would be to have my sister and my nephew come home so that our family can be brought back together again. It's hurt too much for too long having my sister, and now my nephew, so far away and so out of reach. It's like, you could find things that could make you smile but sometimes there's one thing that would make that smile bigger than everything else put together and I've felt seperated from that during times when I needed it most. So as you can maybe imagine a little now, I am more excited for this than I've pretty much been for anything so yeah I am literally buzzing! There have been so many times in my life where I've thought to myself "this would be so much better if I could share it with Clare" and in many ways it's stopped me from being my happiest. And it's never been anybody's fault, it's just been something that's affected me in such a way because I have so much love for my family. But now, things are changing and I can taste a sweetness in the air that I truly needed to taste. Not to mention that I will now be able to properly see my nephew grow up! And that is one of the greatest gifts because I love that little boy with a kind of love that I didn't think was possible to have been created in 6 months. He makes me so happy and I'd do anything for him. I honestly cannot wait for this new life to begin.

You've missed me, I know. Don't cry, it's okay

I'm gonna make this quick because the sun is right in my eyes and I have 5 exams to study for. But long story short, I miss you. I loved doing this blog! And then year 12 happened. fml. I'll be back - when I can

LOST

I'm here to talk about what is most likely the most amazing television show ever to present itself to the world. Lost. Lost is fabulous. Lost is almost everything that is good in this world. I've watched, adored and been sooo extraordinarily confused by it for 5 beautiful years. Now we're into the 6th season and the end is heart-breakingly imminent. This makes me cry - like, a lot - but I can taste the answers! All the answers that the writers of Lost have been moulding and hiding and alluding to, are soooooooooooo close! And although I will literally ball my eyes out in the last 10 minutes of the last episode (and for the love of all that is holy, it better not be because one of my Losties dies), I know my 5 seasons-long loyalty will be rewarded by the most fulfilling, exciting and emotional series finale ever to rock TV.

Hello 2010, blah blah blah

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Oh boy, that was excruiatingly belated. In fact it takes "belated" to a whole new level. "Belated" has officially gained new meaning. Well, I trust your holiday season was superb. It is 2010! Good heavens, I'm graduating high school this year. Yeah that's right, excitement is practically radiating from my skin! So it's 12:33am on the 20th of January and shit a brick, I just realised how well and truly we are into January. It's almost over!
Fuckity fuck fuck, that went fast. I'm in Brisbane right now and I never ever ever want to leave. Mum and I are here staying with my sister, her hubby, and my beautiful little 12 day old nephew and oh my dear goodness he is perfection. I don't want to leave. And by "don't want to leave" I honestly mean "don't want to leave." Everything feels good here. I don't want to return to my life of repetitiveness and routine.. and the soon-to-be-introduced presence of TEE and responsibility. Screw it. But forget all this depressing shit, let's focus on the purity of the new year. It's a clean slate and I'll make of it what I make of it. Narrowing in on the positives, that's what I plan to do this year and onwards! Yes, it is one of my 5607 new year's resolutions - I'm bound to keep at least ONE.

Anyway, ciao!

Frivolity?

Hello. It's 8:15pm on Sunday, December 6th, 2009. I feel very full, I just ate dinner. Funny thing is, I didn't even eat that much at dinner. But, I did eat what felt like an entire packet of peanuts not long before. Well that was quite a frivolous statement. Look at me, talking about food and my highly unnecessary binge eating. Small talk? Feels like it, doesn't it? Well while I'm at it, I may aswell say that I had lemon chicken and rice for dinner. That could be another reason why I'm so full.. rice. It's a carb, and very filling. Or does that just apply to pasta and not just carbohydrates in general? Oh well. The meal was good, we have it fairly regularly. I drank orange juice to wash it down, which was nice.. and see now I'm mindlessly blabbering. It's disappointing because this post did have a point initially and now the idea of an interesting topic seems far away and distant. I was going to discuss how I'm in a very quiet, kind of contemplative mood. See, I've been re-reading my Twilight books for a while now because I love all 4 of those books with a kind of passion that would seem entirely nonsensical to anybody who doesn't truly know me.. and I mean truly know me, which is hard. But anyway, I digress. What I really wanted to communicate is the extent to which those books encourage me to really think, you know? Think and ponder. It's a very powerful kind of effect. I've always known that the Twilight Saga has this profound ability to cheer me up more than any other materialistic or inanimate object ever could. It's comforting - to know that those books are there. Well... I've kind of lost my train of thought throughout this post. Mostly, however, I just wanted to write what was going in my mind. Thanks for your time man

Destination Known

Alaska, New York City, Sweden, Greece, Nashville.
5 places I would jet off too tomorrow if I had the chance. Their beauty is so different from eachother and yet all equally profound in my eyes; whether their amosphere be modernised or natural, urbanised or graceful. These places genuinely exist and that is enough motivation for me to believe in planet Earth. One day maybe...

Taylor's Music

Underneath this paragraph is a compilation of lyrics from songs by Taylor Swift that all mean something to me, for a variety of different reasons. Lyrics from "Invisible" "Breathe" "You're Not Sorry" and "White Horse" are organised below in the pattern my life followed for a very long time.. well, as close as it can get to being illustrated through music. I mean, I think these lyrics are as accurate as a song could possibly get to depicting that time in my life and I've never identified to music as much as I have recently with Taylor Swift's. Now I kind of tear up whenever I read this...


"You just see right through me but if you only knew me, we could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable.. instead I'm just invisible. And all I think about is how to make you think of me, and everything that we could be. Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. I had so many dreams about you and me. Happy endings.. now I know. All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around. I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down. You had me falling for you honey and it never would've gone away. You used to shine so bright but I watched all of it fade. It's taken me this long baby but I figured you out, and you're thinking we'll be fine again but not this time around. And there you are on your knees, begging for forgiveness, begging for me.. just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry. Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold. None of us thought it was gonna end this way. Well people are people and sometimes we change our minds, but it's killing me to see you go after all this time. Never wanted this, never wanted to see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. But people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out.. nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out. It's the kind of ending you don't really want to see, but I hope you know it's not easy, easy for me... You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. It's two a.m, feeling like I just lost a friend. I'm sorry"

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Tomorrow is my final exam. Freedom is dancing on my fingertips and in less than 24 hours I'll have formed a clenched fist around it. All I want is for the holidays to begin. This is my time, my time to be happy. Things are going to change

Demetri Martin

I would like to talk about a man who could very well be the single most hilarious man in the whole entire universe. He goes by the name of Demetri Martin and he's not a comedian, he's the comedian. I relate with his humour so perfectly - it's the exact one I've grown up with next to my brother and sister. It's his sarcastic delivery, blunt expression and use of a guitar to pool the hilarity of his jokes into a musical experience, that appeals to my senses. The man has such simplicity and composure when performing and shit he's funny. I mean, if I had the chance to sit in the audience and watch Demetri perform then I would be in complete stiches. I mean, I already find myself chuckling uncontrollably when I'm listening to his wit on youtube in poor visual and audio quality. Yet I don't seem to care! Yep he's that good. And Demetri is, in fact, allergic to watermelon. I stalk.


"I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like "Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn"

Past, Present, Future

I understand that education is important and a part of life, but I refuse to compromise my everything during school in order to "suceed" per sé. Many people spend these years of their lives preparing for a life not living one, and more often than not, we seem to forget that life is already happening within us and around us, and that life itself is so spontaneous that plans sometimes become nothing more than frivolity. It's not all about school, no matter how great a burden it might seem, or how definitive it's presence might be. Life can't always simply be about working towards something, even if, at times, it's important to feel that sense of where you want to be. I think that sometimes we need to assess where we are currently, and live for that moment. Hold tight your dreams and by all means wish for the future you'll always want for yourself, but rather, let those dreams not create who you want to be, but instead build upon the character you currently are.

I just wanted to say something. Um, this post might appear a bit of a downer but I think it's something that I need to let out. I just wanted to pay my respects to anybody in the entire world who has ever lost anybody in their lives. I don't know, there have been a lot of news stories lately about death and my heart right now is honestly with the families of these lost ones. I don't want to think about what exactly they're enduring, but at the same time I think it's important that people do. You know, take a minute to appreciate the singular treasures in your life that make up a small smile on your face. I mean, I'm as guilty as the next person for, at times, taking things for granted. I have my complaints about my life, but I've realised the selfish nature of that kind of thinking. I'm going to put that thinking behind me. I know I'm grateful, I'm so grateful for everything; For every kind of blessing in my life. I think we can all imagine loss. We can all experience it too, but not all of us have. The feeling of not being able to see somebody you love again, or the realisation that you can't give that person a hug for the rest of your life makes my heart ache to think about. I'm serious. But I know that God has a reason for everything, and that people leave this earth for a reason. I believe that if God has taken somebody away from you, then He has a bright purpose for them in Heaven; The kind of bright purpose that we, on earth, can't find justification in because life after death is an incomprehensible concept to us. And although you miss them, they haven't left. I know you want to give them a hug and say to them things you've said a million times but want to say again, but they do know. I think that, in Heaven, everything becomes clear. And because there can't be unhappiness there, they know what's in your heart, what's always been in your heart, and what will continue to be in your heart until you can be reunited with them again. I believe that. Nothing is ever lost, or can be lost. You can hold on to anything that has been a part of your heart long enough to affect you forever.